Want to be a smart ass? Doesn't everyone at
one time or another when faced with questions and ridiculous
comments that shouldn't be made in the first place?
Following are witty answers to some of those
annoying questions and comments that most of us face all too
often:
Comment: You are very rude.
Answer: Yes, but I am rude only to people
who have truly earned it.
Comment: You didn't
go to Jack Miller's funeral.
Answer: No I didn't, but I approved of
it.
Question: What are you thinking?
Answer: Thoughts.
Comment: Easy for you to say. You are a man. A
woman's work is never done.
Answer: Why don't you start working
earlier?
Question: How many husbands have you had?
Answer: Mine or apart from my
own?
Question: Do you smoke after sex?
Answer: I don't know. I never
looked.
Question: What's with the stupid sweater you are
wearing?
Answer: Don't get smart. It doesn't
suit you character.
Question: How are
you?
Answer: Terribly good and I don't
want anyone ruining it.
Comment: I don't care.
Answer: Obviously. It takes a brain
to care.
Question: Why did you get married if you didn't
get along in the first place?
Answer: I didn't want to fight with
a total stranger.
Question: Do you intend to get married again??
Answer: Yes, but this time I intend
to find a woman who I don't like and give her all my money.
This way divorce will be much easier to take.
Question: Will you marry again?
Answer: No, from now on I only
lease.
Comment: You sound like you are prejudiced.
Answer: On the contrary, I hate
everyone equally.
Question: Am I
boring you?
Answer: Excuse me, did you say
something?
Comment: You talk too much!
Answer: It's like eating peanuts;
once I start, it's hard to stop.
Question: How did
you sleep last night?
Answer: I made a few
mistakes.
Question: How did you sleep last night?
Answer: Sideways part of the night
and on my back the rest of the time.
Question: How did you sleep last night?
Answer: By closing my eyes and
seeing what happens naturally after that.
Question: How did you sleep last night?
Answer: The same way as the night
before.
Question: How did
you sleep last night?
Answer: By being totally oblivious
to what was happening around me.
Question: Why don't you go on a diet?
Answer: I am already on a
horseradish diet. I eat everything but horseradish.
Question: Why don't you quit smoking?
Answer: Same reason why you don't
quit bugging me.
Question: What do you think about democracy in
America?
Answer: I think that it would be a
very good idea.
Question: You only have four inches.
Answer: One figure can add up to a
lot.
Question: What does success mean to you?
Answer: Not having to define
success.
Question: Have you ever had plastic surgery?
Answer: Only, when my husband cut up
my credit cards.
Question: What do you do for regular exercise?
Answer: I go to a sports bar every
night.
Question: Have you written any books?
Answer: Only an unauthorized
autobiography.
Comment: I have
something important to tell you.
Answer: Go ahead, speak your mind,
you have nothing to lose.
Comment: It's the old story, which came first, the
chicken or the egg?
Answer: The chicken probably came
before the egg because it is hard to imagine God wanting to
sit on an egg.
Comment: It's the
same old question: Which came first? The chicken or the
egg?
Answer: Neither. It was the
rooster.
Question: Am I boring you?
Answer: I know we have met but who
are you?
Question: Do you think ......
Answer: Who cares?
Comment: I hear the
boss is ill.
Answer: Yes, let's hope it's nothing
trivial.
Question: How was your party last night?
Answer: It was great. Women I didn't
even know were asking me what time I was going to
make breakfast.
Question: What did
you think of the performance?
Answer: Just one fault — it was
lousy.
Question: You're totally unreasonable.
Answer: To quote George Bernard
Shaw, nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
Question: Are
you leaving?
Answer: No, I am actually arriving
backwards!
Comment: I don't' have the self-confidence I would
like.
Answer: Cheer up. Even the most
useless person can serve as a bad example.
Question: Are you
married?
Answer: Occasionally.
Question: How old are you?
Answer: Old enough to know better
than to answer that question.
Question: How old
are you?
Answer: Disgustingly young compared
to you.
Question: Why does she laugh at everything we
say?
Answer: She thinks fresh air is good
for her teeth.
Question: How was
your date with Margo last night?
Answer: It wasn't magical, it wasn't
mystical, and it wasn't worth ten
bucks.
Comment: You have just drank 5 drinks in the last
hour.
Answer: You would drink like me if
you got what I got.
Question: What's that?
Answer: I got no money.
Question: What do you think of my new hat?
Answer: Never buy a hat with more
character than you.
Comment: See you
later.
Answer: Thanks for the
warning.
Comment: See you later.
Answer: I'm afraid that's true.
Comment: So what's wrong with the boss?
Answer: He has delusions of
adequacy.
Comment: How is your new boss?
Answer: He's a man of many
talents — all of them minor.
Comment: You are a real jerk. If I were your wife,
I'd put poison in your coffee.
Answer: If I were your wife, madam,
I would gladly drink it.
Comment: I dread the thought of
turning 50.
Answer: Why, what happened to you
then?
Question: What do you think of my new sports
jacket?
Answer: Very colorful. Where did you
get it? Off a dead clown?
Question: What do you think of my new sports
jacket?
Answer: Nice. What did you do with
the other half of the blanket?
Comment: I hear
that Joe is going to Hawaii.
Answer: It's not his going that bugs
me, but his coming back will.
Comment: Have a nice day.
Answer: I was having one until I got
here.
Comment: Some of your friends think that you are
ignorant and apathetic.
Answer: I can't understand those big
words and I don't care.
Question: What did you think of Gertrude Stein's
autobiography?
Answer: It was a rather poor choice
of subject.
Question: What is the most important ingredient
for a balanced diet?
Answer: Food.
Comment: No doubt you are a vegetarian because you
love animals.
Answer: On the contrary; it's
because I hate plants.
