Perhaps today you are having a bad day and feeling sorry for
yourself. In this case the following comments may put your bad
day in proper perspective. Indeed, these should cheer you up
and make you realize what a great day you are having.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my
tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter.
- Woody Allen
There are days when it
takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.
- Robert Orben
Smile. Tomorrow will be worse.
- Unknown wise person
If a project is going wrong, always blame one of your
colleagues - but not an intelligent one.
- Joep Schrijvers
Swallow a toad in the
morning if you want to encounter nothing more disgusting
the rest of the day.
- Nicolas Chamfort
A bad workman always blames his tools.
- French proverb
We started off trying to set up a small anarchist
community, but people wouldn't obey the rules.
- Alan Bennett
It's a good rule to follow the first law of holes: if
you are in one, stop digging.
- Denis Healey
It is always with the best
intentions that the worst work is done.
- Oscar Wilde
Having a Bad Day in
General
I was going to buy a copy of The Power of
Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What
the hell good would that do?
- Ronnie Shakes
I was so drunk last night I fell down and missed the
floor.
- Harry Crane for Dean Martin
I am a kind of paraniac in reverse. I suspect people of
plotting to make me happy.
- J. D. Salinger
Everything I did in my life that was worthwhile I caught
hell for.
- Earl Warren
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been
more specific.
- Lily Tomlin
After a year in therapy,
my psychiatrist said to me, "Maybe life isn't for
everyone."
- Larry Brown
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action,
They rented out my room.
- Woody Allen
I had a boring office job. I cleaned the windows in the
envelopes.
- Rita Rudner
A terrible thing happened again last night -
nothing.
- Phyllis Diller
I rely on my personality for birth control.
- Liz Winston.
I probably couldn't play for me. I wouldn't like my
attitude.
- John Thompson (Georgetown basketball coach)
I saw the sequel to the
movie Clones, and you know what? It was the same movie.
- Jim Samuels
Now that I'm over sixty, I'm veering toward
respectability.
- Shelly Winters
In six pages, I can't even say "hello."
- James Michener
She was so wild that when she made French toast she got
her tongue caught in the toaster.
- Rodney Dangerfield
Before we make love, my husband takes a painkiller.
- Joan Rivers
I tried phone sex and it
gave me an ear infection.
- Richard Lewis
I slept with a French girl once. It wasn't magical, it
wasn't mystical, and it wasn't worth five bucks.
- Tony Morewood
Ever have one of those nights when you didn't want to go
out but your hair looked too good to stay home?
- Jack Simmons
The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because
their friends thought I didn't exist.
- Aaron Machado
I'm so old that bartenders check my pulse instead of my
I.D.
- Louise Bowie at 75
Bernard Shaw has no
enemies but is intensely disliked by his friends.
- Oscar Wilde commmenting on playwright George Bernard
Shaw
The only reason so many people showed up at his funeral
was to make sure that he was dead.
- Samuel Goldwyn commenting on Louis B Mayer's funeral.
I'm going to speak my mind because I have nothing to
lose.
- S.I. Hayakawa
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath
toys were a toaster and a radio.
- Joan Rivers
If it wasn't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at
all.
- Rodney Dangerfield
Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing was
happening, so I said to her, "What's the matter, can't you
think of anybody either?"
- Rodney Dangerfield
I became self-employed and still wound up with a jerk
for a boss.
- EZ
It' no fun having a dual personality. I am wiiting an
unauthorized autobiography.
- EZ
Take my wife .... please!
- Henny Youngman
I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get
lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.
- Emo Philips
Have you ever dated
someone because you were too lazy to commit suicide?
- Judy Tenuta
My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married
and I didn't want him to.
- Rita Rudner
I'm dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of
it.
- Garry Shandling
During sex I fantasize that I am someone else.
- Richard Lewis
I'm a lousy writer; a helluva lot of people have got
lousy taste
- Grace Metalious (1924-1964)
I used to be treated like an idiot, now I'm treated like
an idiot savant.
- Martin Cruz Smith after his book Gorky Park became a
bestseller
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend
- Emo Philips
I bought a suit with two pairs of pants and I burned a hole
in the jacket.
Things are looking up. I
joined a bridge club. I get to jump off on
Thursday.
When I was a kid I was so obnoxious, my mother used to
borrow another baby to take to church.
I have never been to a restaurant without trays.
My idea of a wild Saturday night is going for a ride on
the ring bus and then hanging around the 24-hour laudromat
for two or three hours.
I am addicted to boredom
I am also addicted to placebos.
I tried phone sex and wound up with an ear
infection.
When I was young, all my friends were imaginary but they
didn't think that I existed.
I went out with a woman so fat that I had to roll over
two times just to get off the top of her.
Yesterday my ship came in
but I was at the bus depot.
Opportunity was knocking at my door, but I wasn't
home.
I get less respect than Rodney Dangerfield and Rodney
doesn't get any.
I was so low that I had to
stand on my tiptoes to reach bottom.
I bought some batteries the other day. When I got home I
found they weren't included.
I was so obnoxious when I was young that my mother used
to borrow someone else's kid to take to church.
I like to reminsce about things I haven't done.
My brother has more problems than a math book.
Hypochondria is about the only disease that I don't
have.
I wake up at night asking myself questions such as:
What's another word for thesaurus?
Why is a duck when it flies.
I wrote a book and my publisher printed the copies on
steel pages. Once you put it down, you can't pick it up
again.
I used to be a masochist
but I had to give it up because I was enjoying myself too
much.
My IQ is in the low two digits. I intend to have a big
celebration if it ever reaches 50.
I AM SO UNLUCKY THAT I EVEN GET CAUGHT WRITING ON TOILET
WA....
- Grafitti
I'm ambinoxious - left and night.
You Can Never Have as Many Bad Days
as Steven Wright
